Hate!!!!

Do I hate the person who caused my accident and left me lying in the middle of the road for dead, and took off so he would not get in trouble? Do I hate the person who killed my grandfather and got away with murder because of the times and another lenient judge?

No, I do not hate either person. When you have hate in your heart and cannot forgive, you are only hurting yourself. If you cannot let go of your hate it will eat you alive from the inside out. I am not saying I do not dislike the people for what they do in the world. They have to live with their decision! I think I have wronged people along the way of life and I am sure people thought bad of me at the time.

I lost two girlfriends who were scared of my drinking so much. When we first dated, my wife told me she wanted to break up, she found someone else. I was broken hearted. I loved her from our first meeting and was sure we belonged together. To console myself I accepted a blind date and got involved with Vicki. I thought to replace my lost love. I would have married her, even though it was to replace Mary.

When Mary came back into my life a year later I was dating Vicki, and started up with Mary again. Telling Vicki I was dating Mary was really hard. She said, "I knew it because you always talked about Mary". I broke up with Vicki, at the time it was not hard for me to do. Later when I realized how I hurt Vicki, I hoped she got over the pain and has had a good life.

After we were married Mary said she left left because I fought with my mother so much, and was afraid I would treat her bad. After a couple years with my mother she realized my mother fought with me as much as my dad. She ran me down every chance she got, my dad too. That is the first time I thought about someone getting hurt by another person and I started to develop my feelings about you must not hate, because it only hurts you, not the person it should.

When I met Mary after Donna and Jim's wedding (it was at their party in November), I was the type of guy who did everything on the spur of the moment. Never thinking of the consequences 'til later. I was pretty loaded when I got to the party. I was there a while when I went to the kitchen to get another drink. Mary had heard about me, as Jimmy's wild friend and the dumb stunts I pulled at their wedding.

I rounded the corner to go in the kitchen and this girl was standing there. I grabbed her and planted a passionate kiss on her lips. I started talking and we went into the living room and got acquainted. We ran out of Jack Daniels which was my favorite drink, and I asked Mary to go along to get another bottle at my house. She asked Donna if I was O.K. to go with. Donna said of course.

That time I spent showing Donna I was a nice guy was just because I wanted to meet a friend of Donna's. Both girls trusted me. I was a nice guy after all. We got the bottle of booze, and returned to the party. I stopped in two places to use the toilet when we went through town where all the motor heads ran what we called the LOOP ROUTE like in the movie  American Graffiti.

So began the three month courtship, 'til I screwed that up too. Mary told me years later she thought something was wrong with me because I went to the toilet so much. Isn"t it  something how I seem to botch things up, but it usually works out. I am truly being watched over.

Mary cannot hate anyone, that is where I know I developed my feeling of forgiveness.Without my wife's love I would not be alive today.  I tried to join the Navy before I got out of school at 17 years old, and I was rejected because my blood pressure was so high. I would have died of a stroke like my dad and I would not have made it to 75 years old like he did.

Mary keeps an eye on my blood pressure and every thing I do wrong, she lets me know. When I got into the hospital when my dad collapsed at home and was hauled off to the hospital unconscious like I was so many times I met the doctor at his bedside. The doctor knew me, he worked on me before. He said the man you know as your father is gone, his brain stem died. And that is where the person you know as your dad lies. How long do you and your family want his body to live?

That was the first time I realized how fleeting life is. That is the biggest reason I want to write everything down so it does not die with me. I need my life to mean something for my next generations to appreciate the time we have in the living years. My dad leaving this life was the first real shock to my idea of being invincible. Yes I can lose this fleeting thing called life, so I want my life to touch someone and have meaning.

Well enough of my philosophy of life. I don't want you to think I am a big thinker, I am just a regular guy who had my "A-ha!" moment and saw life for what it is. A short time to find happiness, friends, family, and time to find love for one another. I hope I have touched a spot in your being and made an impact on people's lives to use the time we have left to make the a place where everyone is glad to be. Glad for the life they have chosen, and glad to forgive and help their fellow man.

Well, now you see I am not the big tough guy people think I am. My nickname is  HOSS  from the show Bonanza. That is a mountain name for a large, gentle man with a big heart. I hope I live up to the name. I keep telling my wife if she does not put in my obituary my name as HOSS, most of Lancaster County will not know it is me. Not a lot of people know me as Randy, just Hoss.

Thank you for putting up with my rantings. I hope you learned something from what I have learned in life. It has caused me a lot of healing and pain over the years. But it was worth every moment of pain and despair to make me a better person. Yes ladies, I am learning to listen to my wife like the e-mails I get about wising up and listening to Mary. Thank you for reminding me. We men meed a refresher course from you to keep us alive and on the straight and narrow. It is a hard line for us to follow.          

[Marcy did you like this one? I did not know I had it in me. Thank you for bringing me to another "A-ha!" moment. The world would be a lot better place if we men listened to women more.]

Thank you Lord for letting me find my "A-ha!" moments and letting me live this long….Randy