Well we put Donald my brother-in-law in the ground today! It was hard seeing his wife and children and grandchildren suffer. I have not missed any one like this since my father died thirty years ago. When my mother died, she went slowly, but not painfully. When she passed, we know it was coming and could say goodbye in our own way. With Donald and my father, it was too quick. We did not expect it. No real chance to say goodbye. Their death did not seem real. When you don't expect the death, you feel cheated at not getting any sense of closure. Something is missing. No chance for knowing they left in peace. When I spent six days in the hospital a couple years ago with the virus C-DIFF I thought I was dying. I could get my feelings in shape to realize this was the end of my living years. I almost accepted defeat. I was ready to meet my maker. Donald and my father did not get the chance to get their thoughts in order to accept what was happening. I feel anyone who dies fast and in such a tragic way are losing the chance to get their mind straight to what was happening to them. They are cheated at the last moments of life. With my almost giving in to death, I still fought to not leave the living years. I know that is why I did not die. I would not give up, even though I thought this was it. I fought to get back to the living years. The nurses told me three people in PA died the week I was sick. Why was I not one of them. I feel it was because I made up my mind to not give in!
I will get over this feeling. It is not really depression, it is feeling the loss of someone I cared for and respected. I had to say these two people I thought would live forever. That means I might be leaving this life someday too. I will not live forever either! When a loved one dies you realize how fleeting this thing called life is. I am preaching from my soapbox again! But getting this off my chest is keeping me somewhat sane.
When we were eating at the lunch Shirley and the kids provided, I told Mary I told Shirley and the kids that if she needed a ride somewhere, anything else like a companion so she is not alone during the day so much to let me know and I would drive up and help her. I am home all day and I thought I could do something for her. The lady next to me said, but you live so far away, that is a long drive to just get to her house. An hour each way is not too far. I thought that lady was selfish. You do what you have to do for family. Sure she was Mary's sister, not my sister, but that does not make a difference to me. Mary's younger sister and her kids lived with us three and a half years after her divorce. That was more trying than driving an hour each way. I know I like to help people. I have been blessed with a pretty good life. I feel it is only right to give back. Am I wrong in wanting to help someone who has treated me good for 41 years. Being alone all day is going to be her biggest problem. Having Donald every day is what she was used to. Now being alone is going to be a great shock. Mary is going to go up next week and stay overnight with Shirley. Her kids will be over all the time for a while. But that will wear off when they go back to their own lives. Being alone is a terrible thing when you first lose a loved one.
I have bent your ear for long enough. I feel better, getting this off my chest. The cemetery was not as bad as I thought it would be. The wind died down, and it was 16 degrees. Almost a heat wave. We are glad the day is over. Burying a loved one is never pleasant. But it is something we do for those left behind. To show support for them. The viewing is to let the family get closure to the departing of a loved one. This time I did not get mad at GOD for taking Donald. I am a lot older and a little wiser than when my Father died. I guess this Old Dog is learning some new tricks. YIP YIP
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